3 years ago ....

(Warning this is going to be a long one)

I can remember just like it was yesterday when I found out I was pregnant for a 2nd time. It came as a complete surprise. Madeline was only 19 months. I had gone to the doctor because of some pain I was having and not having a period. I had taken a home pregnancy test, negative. The doctor had me take another and the results were still negative. She wanted to give me a little longer to have a period before "stepping in". Meaning she was going to give me something to make me have a period. I went back and once again she had me take a pregnancy test. Much to both of our surprise I was pregnant. Holy Cow!! She scheduled me to have an ultrasound in a month to determine how far along I was.
We had the ultrasound the week before Christmas and got to see our 2nd child for the first time. The heart beat was strong and everything "looks great" said the tech. I was 8 weeks 6 days along and the baby was due on July 28, 2005. She printed us some pictures and we were on our merry way. How would we tell everyone. We decided to get grandparent picture frames for each and put the ultrasound pictures in there, wrap them up, and give them as a Christmas present. When they opened them on Christmas they were so excited, of course both grandmothers cried. I remember assuring Brad's brother and future sister in law that we would be there for their wedding. They would he getting married the week after I was due and both Brad and Madeline were in the wedding.
Everything continued as normal. Brad and I were both working lots of hours at work and just keeping busy. I was in the process of preparing for one of the biggest days of my career in child care, my centers NATIONAL ACCREDITATION. My visit was on Jan. 14, 2005.
The strange thing about this pregnancy was I never had one day of morning sickness and we know I was VERY sick with Madeline. I thought, I am loving this. Also at the time there were two girls who worked for me that were also pregnant and we were all due around the same time. They would talk about needing maternity clothes already, feeling tired all the time. You know all the normal first trimester complaints. I was feeling great other then being tired but I attributed that to the stress and the hours I was working to get ready for the Accreditation. Not to mention that my assistant had quit and I was doing all the preparation on my own.
Finally, the eve to the big day was here. Brad was out of town in Houston for work, so his parents came and got Madeline from me because I was going to be working late trying to get all the last minute things done. Madeline was going to spend the night with them so I could concentrate just on the accreditation and not have to worry about her. I got home that night at about 10:30. I was dying to use the bathroom and when I did I saw what became the scariest thing in my life. BLOOD!! I immediately began to cry and panic. I remember saying to myself over and over, "Oh GOD, NO! "Please GOD, NO! I was pleading with him at that moment. I wanted him to take away what was probably happening. I was having a miscarriage. But how? I'm 12 weeks along. I'm supposed to be in the "Safe zone" I was beginning my 2nd trimester. I called Brad hysterical telling him what I believed was happening. I know he felt so helpless. He tried his best to calm me down. I was all alone in the house and didn't know what to do. I needed someone, anyone. I called my parents, told them what was happening and they were on their way over. I was still panicking, pleading, and in complete hysterics. I called my in-laws and told them what was happening and that I needed Madeline. If God was taking one away, I wanted the one he gave me to hold forever. Next I called the dr. on call (which wasn't my dr.) and he gave me some instruction to do for the night and to call my dr. first thing in the morning. What about my visit tomorrow? I can't be there if I'm having a miscarriage. It's 11:00 at night, what am I supposed to do? They are going to be there at 8:00 in the morning. I called my area manager at her hotel and told her what was happening. I then called Misty, one of the other directors and asked if she could cover my center tomorrow. Thankfully she did. My parents and in laws got to me house and I can remember sitting there holding Madeline tight and just crying. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong? Why was this happening to me? Madeline's pregnancy was fine. I laid there that night asking myself these questions over and over. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night. I wanted it to be morning so I could call my dr., go see her, and have her tell me, "Everything is fine."
Morning came and I called my dr. first thing. They told me to get there as soon as possible. My dad drove me to the appt. while my mom stayed with Madeline. I know mom sent dad, as she knew I would need someone strong with me. I got to the dr., went into the room, which felt so small. The nurse came in asked some questions, took the fetal heartbeat doppler and placed it on my belly. She moved it all around and said, "Sometimes even at 12 weeks it's hard to hear a heartbeat. I knew this wasn't the case. We had heard Madeline's heartbeat for the first time loud and clear at 10 weeks. Of course, I wanted to believe what she said was true. My dr. then came in to do an exam to see if she could find anything. By this time, the bleeding had almost stopped. Good sign? She did a pelvic exam and said I was measuring a little smaller than 12 weeks but that can happen. She ordered an ultrasound to be sure. My appt. was at 1:30. Dad accompanied me to that too. They called my name and I remember feeling so scared and so nervous. The tech began looking for the heartbeat. She moved the "wand" around on my belly, clicked buttons, scanned some more and then turned the screen towards me and pointed to the middle of the screen and said (I will NEVER forget these words.) "There's your baby and there is no heartbeat, I'm so sorry." NO!! This can't be happening. Say this isn't happening. I couldn't breathe. She told me she needed to get some more measurements and then she'd be done. She asked if I wanted my dad. YES!! She left and I grabbed my cell phone and called Brad, who was still trying to get home. All I could say was, "The baby is gone." "I lost the baby." He consoled me the best he could and said he'd be home as soon as he could. My dad came in and held me while I wept. The tech got her measurements and said that our baby was measuring at 9 weeks. This means it had died only days after our ultrasound. I left the hospital that day feeling so confused, upset, and empty.
We went home and I ran into Madeline's room. I found her and my mom. I told my mom about the baby and wept more in her arms. I then sat and held Madeline tight. She was such a sweet baby herself. She just let me sit there and hold her and cry. Brad finally made it home and we spent the next few days at home. We had several visitors that came by and sat with us. I was scheduled for a D&C on Monday. I remember laying on that operating room table just as I was about to go under crying hysterically, thinking to myself, this is it. There will no longer be a baby inside me, dead or alive. My dr. held my hand and stroked my head until I went under.
We waited weeks to hear the pathology report. Everything came back normal. It was a normal pregnancy. At that point I had so many questions for God. It took me some time to realize that the child I was carrying was HIS, not mine. He trusted me with that child and for his own reasons needed them back.
We will never know what that child was like. Was it a boy or a girl? Who did they look like? Would they have blonde hair like Madeline? What would there personality be like? However, I do know this. God was with us every step of that journey and he continues to be with us still. Thank you for being a FATHER that never leaves us or forsakes us.

To my child,
Today was the day you were due. You would be three this year. I still think of you daily. I wonder what you would have been like. You would have had so much fun with your big sister Madeline. She's a lot of fun. Your little sister, Macy, is a lot of fun too. She is a handful. You all would have been the best of buds. We love you and I want you know that you will never be forgotten. You are with us always. You live in my heart always. One day I will see you. Until then. I LOVE YOU!!

Mommy


In case you were wondering if my center got our National Accreditation....WE DID!! I was so proud of my staff. They pulled together and made me proud. That made the day a little better. We were the first center of my company in Oklahoma (of 8 centers) to get our accreditation.

Of course, God blessed us with another child, Macy. We found out we were pregnant with her a month after our 2nd child was due. Brad's sister was getting married that same year in Oct. She had plans of Madeline pushing the 2nd baby down the aisle in a rod iron stroller. We were so excited about having a baby in the wedding. Obviously there was no baby in the stroller for Madeline to push, instead I carried the baby down the aisle with me, IN MY BELLY. I was a little over 9 weeks along with Macy at the time of her wedding. GOD IS SO GOOD!!

Here we are at Michelle's wedding. I was already showing some.



Thank you for allowing me to "talk" about this event in my life. There is nothing like loosing a child, at any stage, that makes it any easier. I'm just glad I have the ALMIGHTY SAVIOR on my side.